Stop living to fit in and start living to stand out.

I've lost my passion somewhere along my journey. It almost is like i've lost my feelings. But tears are welling up in my eyes and my heart grows heavy. I want someone to want me. I want to want myself. I need to love myself. Who taught me not to love who I am? Who taught me I wasn't deserving of love? No one. That is the thing. It is all an illusion of skewed memories. Trauma in which I let myself believe these things in my core. 

I do not miss home. I miss feeling accepted and loved. The only person I've ever needed to acept and love me is myself. I do not miss home. I am without a home in my heart. I am my own worst enemy. Not my dad. 

I don't have to please anyone but myself. There are certain people i wish who would love me for who I am. I tell myself that they would fix me, that they would help me love myself. All this time I thougt I did love myself. I do love myself. But why do I keep seeking other places for love and approval then? What am I searching for?

You know, I've alwyas been the kid who looks to the nearest adult for praise and/or critique in order to make sure I was doing thinks right. Why have I always had a need to be praised, to be recognized, to be seen? Why can't I see myself? Why have I always defined myself based off of other people's standards? Why cant i just be me? WHY? 

Who the fuck am I? Damn. I'm so so scared of letting myself become all that i'm not. Worse, being content with that. What if no one ever tells me? What if I can't decide who to trust? 

Life is full of decisions and contradictions. We are mistaken majority of the time. Love them. Love every single mistake. Every ounce. They’re beautiful and you’re beautiful. Every ounce. And i am enough. Enough. My words weigh the heaviest because I know you the best. You are beautiful, inside and out. You don’t need anyone to tell you that. You know it and you live it. You are desirable. You are worth loving. You are loved and you will be loved greater than you can ever possibly imagine. But you have to let it in, you have to let EVERYONE in. People cannot fully love someone they do not know. 

Stop living to fit in and start living to stand out. You shine, people need your light and you need theirs! Shine on. Thank you God. This is my prayer. 

<3 Abigail

“so that you may know the truth”

"so that you may know the truth." 

what to make of this?

you.

who me?

or them? 

maybe us?

we.

you.

know.

brain know?

heart know?

both intangible, 

much uncertainty.

a lot of what we know, 

we don’t

know.

truth.

is there even such a thing?

my truth?

their truth?

our truth?

God’s truth?

is there any similar thread woven between them all?

love? No, that’s 

indefinable 

truth.

“so that we may not know the indefinable.”

what’s the point?

what do we know?

nothing?

accepting that we know nothing?

so then we don’t search for answers. 

what do we do then?

live. 

(((isaiah)))

Godmother:
a mother
of god

who am i to have such a title?
who am i to have such reward?

i don't know why
out of everyone
you chose
me

I do know
that im sure as hell
proud

its an honor

one that shall never be taken for granted
one i may never know how i so earned.

Isaiah
I am your godmother

to be honest
i don't know what that all really means

what i do know is that i love you
you, small every precious
human being

I can't be sure that we'll get along
I can't promise that i'll have the answer to your problems
but i can say that i'll do the very best that I can
to love you
to hear you
to see you

to hold you
to push you

to learn
from you

I may not be what you are looking for
we may be a plethora of things
but know that you hold as much power as i do
in making this connection that of God
a god
whoever and/or whatever you choose to believe
even if that is nothing
know that we can exist together around that as well

we don't have to look
we can just
see

I love you.
i feel you
I've hardly touched you
but know you've already touched me

i may seem consumed
you may sometimes wonder who on earth i think that i am
just know that i'm your godmother
that i'm not sure what that really means
that i'm just as confused as you

we now walk in the mystery

may we seek
may we find refuge
may we grow
together

I am here now and ever will be

it is my only hope
that you find
a mother
of god
in me
<3

i am

here.

Today.

I can't tell you how exactly i got here
I can't tell you where or what here even is
I can't say that it's always delightful 
I can't say in this place i will stay 

What i can say is that its been one hell of a journey, 
that i learn more and more each day, 
I can say that it's been the hardest battle
most definitely my greatest feat. 

I dont know where it is that im going,
right now i just cherish today.

Today the people 
and personal experiences 
i have 
encountered
and
overcome
I bring to light.

My people
my past,
they define me
but they should know my definition changes each day

Today you are a part of me
in case i haven't told you before
and in case i forget tomorrow, 
know that you are there then as well.

For I can't say that today will last 
a lifetime
 but i can say out of today 
a lifetime
has become.

Thank you for today.

Flipping Through the Channels

There was snow on the ground and it was raining, hard. Her car sat in a seemingly empty parking lot under the dim light of the single mangled lamppost. Pulling up next to her, she got out of the car. I was the one who usually got out of mine. She sat down in my passengers seat, looked at me, waiting. Her desperate, sassy eyes said it all, "explain yourself"

"I want to preface this by saying that feelings are different than actions and I never acted, EVER. Ok?"

She nodded. I turned on the car light, took a long heavy breath and read the simple blue script in my hands with calm struggle.

Tears and head grabbing came with her reaction, "I can't believe I'm losing my best friend." Grounded by silence, time passed until she muttered. "I LITERALLY thought that you would be in my life forever"

In the moment it felt like a dream, I glanced down at my letter reminding myself of things I had actually just said. 

"I thought of so many ways to tell you, if to tell you at all."

 "I loved you. Fell for you. I was in love with my best friend, you."

"I can't stay this close to you. It's a lot on my heart. You were my first love and we will never be apart. In my heart, you always lie. A soft spot indebted to you."

"I loved you. You loved me, just different definitions of the two." 

This was no dream. I confessed my love and ended our friendship. I was numb, but sadness, pain, relief and regret managed to surpass. 

Through my foggy heart and cloudy vision, I managed to get a glimpse at her face. Her symmetrical, reeling dimples still present as she sobbed, pulled me back to a reflective state.

Countless hours spent on her family’s black leather reclining couch scanning through the list of shows Joy had recorded on DVR. Shared laughter came of Ellen DeGeneres, our favorite guests Sophia Grace and Rosie. Off pitch, unison song came as we replayed our favorite Glee performances. The rest consisted of what I called ‘trash TV’. I complained my way through Real Housewives of any county, still hear the name Bentley in a southern accent because of Teen Mom and always dreaded Jersday Thursday.

Joy was in control of the remote, not only to the TV, but also to our relationship. Whatever show she felt like watching, we watched. Whatever emotion she was feeling, we felt.

Most of the time though, we were watching Ellen. Because lets face it what’s more contagious than laughter and a smile? I wouldn’t have guessed there was anything more contagious until I saw her dimples. Joy, she had two, the one’s that got me spinning in this reflection. You were smiling before you even knew how she was doing and eased at heart because those dimples just made you melt. But she had the great laugh and perfect smile too. It’s no wonder she always had guys chasing her around, I couldn’t ever keep track. Even with the hilariously dramatic, yet explanatory voicemails I received and still have. You just can’t keep up.

We had our fair share of ‘trash TV’. I put up with, yet enjoyed and made great memories out of, a lot of what we did. There was the night she experimented with vodka soaked gummy worms while I decided to stay sober. We planned to go to her favorite lunch spot the next day. Cornwell’s Turkey farm for a turkey salad sandwich always seemed to hit the spot. Hung-over, we had to stop the car three times on the way there so she could barf.  Who knows how may gummy worms, but I do know we ended up on the couch with grilled cheese at home that day. We no longer spoke of gummy worms and I haven’t since been to Cornwell’s.

One night, however, we watched a show I had never seen before. "I just need my best friend" The words raced through my head as fast as I was letting myself into her resting home at 1 am. Making my way downstairs I found Joy painfully weeping, gasping for air as she muttered words into her cell phone. I grew deaf of everything but the sound of my own rhythm. Stopping outside her door, I listened to my heart sink deeper with the release of her every tear. Clasping her cell phone shut I hit rock bottom, fell out of my beating rhythm and onto hers. Time passed but I just kept strokinb her damp, brunette locks. Sat stroking them away from the shattering sobs of her soft, hazel eyes heavily at loss. 

I had comforted, calmed and lulled her to sleep that night. My best friend who was always spontaneous and quirky I had never seen so weak and vulnerable. Then again I had never seen a girl dumped by the same jackass who cashed in on one's V card just 24 hours before. I had only ever seen such raw pain with death of loved ones. That night I mourned the loss of a sense of purity with her. There was no remote.

In shattering sobs of heartbreak paired heavily with loss of virginity, I was her refuge. She also became mine. The minute she flashed the ad, I bought it. Like always, false advertising. She allowed me protector of her pain, and I became her seeker.

Back to reality after I hit this recollection. She was still sitting next to me. It still wasn’t a dream.

She made a few jokes; “You could’ve at least brought some Kleenex.” It was all bittersweet. The conversations came to a close; she had been changing the channels for so long I had to ask her to turn the TV off,  “Can I hug you?”

The clouds wept with us as I held onto her rhythm for the last time. She turned it off.

Lingering Pressure

expand. push. excrete. 

heal. 

in a state of damage you remain 

seemingly untouched,

now that you heal

you swell

expand. push. excrete.

heal.

i know what you must build

but not the tools you need

am i giving all thats required?

or am i making you job harder?

expand. push. excrete.

heal.

i feel you

on my lower right back side

penetrating through my rib cage

sit, stand, sleep

you accompany me

no matter what

expand. push. excrete.

heal. 

I live for you now

in constant struggle

fighting

listening

crying

we can do it

expand. push. excrete. 

heal. 

we may have lost apart of us

we met be scared

but we are not defeated

expand

push

excrete

heal. 

just look: one love, two bodies, one dead, and one alive

A beating heart,
my beating heart.
stopped
once
just long enough
to
break

my life lie in
your heart
my soul committed
not to give up a fight
until
you let go

or did i let go first?
letting you slip
away
to him
pulling you
away
like gum on a shoe
slowly
messily
with a stick
not even bearable to touch with
bare hands
leaving bits of you behind

we were together
in sync
until i went away
just long enough
for you
to forget what we
are
were
and now
aren't

you say you love him
i say
whats love?
if no one will ever love you as much a
i love you

why

why do you need his
love
what is his
love
how did i let you slip
away

you still have no idea
like a guardian angel
i watched over you
i protected you
i brought you back to life
i loved you
but your eyes are blind to see
for my love is too great for you
for if it weren't you would just
turn around
look
see
feel
be
alive
with me
forever
how it should be

but
never will

my heart
it aches
but only when
the darkness pours in
over the sun
when i look
to see that no one is
looking
anymore
for me.
no one ever was

i've been a ship lost at sea
you were leading me somewhere
until
you burnt out
just
stopped
now i'm blind
lost
scared
broken
waiting
for you to realize
there is only one
love

you love him
i love you
they aren't the
same

he gets to hold you
he gets to please you
he gets your love
he gets your time
he gets your energy
he gets you all
to himself

i was there for you
i loved you
every ounce of you
parts he doesn't even know you have
i gave you my heart
in a box
wrapped in the
perfect
white ribbon
one you never want to untie
surrounding
a tiffany blue box
like the one's
that carry precious jewelry
that you love so much

i gave you my word
i gave you my time
i gave you my love
i gave you my all

for what?

for you to give it all to him
when i'm away
not even able
to put up a
fight
for myself
a battle
i've all ready
lost
a bomb
that all ready
stopped
my heart

you say you need the love he gives you
you say it's something that i cannot give
but you never turned around
to see
that it was
you
not me
that held back

i gave you my all
my heart
my soul
my love
and my body was there
for you
waiting
for your body
to make what we had
complete

we had it all
we were
one heart
one soul
one love
but we were always
two bodies

you gave him your body
you lost mine
that so patiently waited
to hold you
to caress you
to admire you
to see you
all of you
my body
loved you enough to
wait
for you
but you gave it
to him
like i gave you
my heart

now i know it was something you never wanted
we were never one body in your mind
we will always be
two bodies

for your vision impaired you to
see
my everything given up for
you
your vision impairs you from letting
two bodies
of the same parts
be one

if only you could see
my love
my soul
my heart
my body
that is dead
not alive
because it stopped
just long enough
to lose
your love
your soul
your heart
and your body
that i waited for
but never had

if only you could
see me
right now
back then
this whole time

just look
i'm here
and i need
you
i'm bleeding
i'm crying
i'm dying
without you