Flipping Through the Channels

There was snow on the ground and it was raining, hard. Her car sat in a seemingly empty parking lot under the dim light of the single mangled lamppost. Pulling up next to her, she got out of the car. I was the one who usually got out of mine. She sat down in my passengers seat, looked at me, waiting. Her desperate, sassy eyes said it all, "explain yourself"

"I want to preface this by saying that feelings are different than actions and I never acted, EVER. Ok?"

She nodded. I turned on the car light, took a long heavy breath and read the simple blue script in my hands with calm struggle.

Tears and head grabbing came with her reaction, "I can't believe I'm losing my best friend." Grounded by silence, time passed until she muttered. "I LITERALLY thought that you would be in my life forever"

In the moment it felt like a dream, I glanced down at my letter reminding myself of things I had actually just said. 

"I thought of so many ways to tell you, if to tell you at all."

 "I loved you. Fell for you. I was in love with my best friend, you."

"I can't stay this close to you. It's a lot on my heart. You were my first love and we will never be apart. In my heart, you always lie. A soft spot indebted to you."

"I loved you. You loved me, just different definitions of the two." 

This was no dream. I confessed my love and ended our friendship. I was numb, but sadness, pain, relief and regret managed to surpass. 

Through my foggy heart and cloudy vision, I managed to get a glimpse at her face. Her symmetrical, reeling dimples still present as she sobbed, pulled me back to a reflective state.

Countless hours spent on her family’s black leather reclining couch scanning through the list of shows Joy had recorded on DVR. Shared laughter came of Ellen DeGeneres, our favorite guests Sophia Grace and Rosie. Off pitch, unison song came as we replayed our favorite Glee performances. The rest consisted of what I called ‘trash TV’. I complained my way through Real Housewives of any county, still hear the name Bentley in a southern accent because of Teen Mom and always dreaded Jersday Thursday.

Joy was in control of the remote, not only to the TV, but also to our relationship. Whatever show she felt like watching, we watched. Whatever emotion she was feeling, we felt.

Most of the time though, we were watching Ellen. Because lets face it what’s more contagious than laughter and a smile? I wouldn’t have guessed there was anything more contagious until I saw her dimples. Joy, she had two, the one’s that got me spinning in this reflection. You were smiling before you even knew how she was doing and eased at heart because those dimples just made you melt. But she had the great laugh and perfect smile too. It’s no wonder she always had guys chasing her around, I couldn’t ever keep track. Even with the hilariously dramatic, yet explanatory voicemails I received and still have. You just can’t keep up.

We had our fair share of ‘trash TV’. I put up with, yet enjoyed and made great memories out of, a lot of what we did. There was the night she experimented with vodka soaked gummy worms while I decided to stay sober. We planned to go to her favorite lunch spot the next day. Cornwell’s Turkey farm for a turkey salad sandwich always seemed to hit the spot. Hung-over, we had to stop the car three times on the way there so she could barf.  Who knows how may gummy worms, but I do know we ended up on the couch with grilled cheese at home that day. We no longer spoke of gummy worms and I haven’t since been to Cornwell’s.

One night, however, we watched a show I had never seen before. "I just need my best friend" The words raced through my head as fast as I was letting myself into her resting home at 1 am. Making my way downstairs I found Joy painfully weeping, gasping for air as she muttered words into her cell phone. I grew deaf of everything but the sound of my own rhythm. Stopping outside her door, I listened to my heart sink deeper with the release of her every tear. Clasping her cell phone shut I hit rock bottom, fell out of my beating rhythm and onto hers. Time passed but I just kept strokinb her damp, brunette locks. Sat stroking them away from the shattering sobs of her soft, hazel eyes heavily at loss. 

I had comforted, calmed and lulled her to sleep that night. My best friend who was always spontaneous and quirky I had never seen so weak and vulnerable. Then again I had never seen a girl dumped by the same jackass who cashed in on one's V card just 24 hours before. I had only ever seen such raw pain with death of loved ones. That night I mourned the loss of a sense of purity with her. There was no remote.

In shattering sobs of heartbreak paired heavily with loss of virginity, I was her refuge. She also became mine. The minute she flashed the ad, I bought it. Like always, false advertising. She allowed me protector of her pain, and I became her seeker.

Back to reality after I hit this recollection. She was still sitting next to me. It still wasn’t a dream.

She made a few jokes; “You could’ve at least brought some Kleenex.” It was all bittersweet. The conversations came to a close; she had been changing the channels for so long I had to ask her to turn the TV off,  “Can I hug you?”

The clouds wept with us as I held onto her rhythm for the last time. She turned it off.