(((isaiah)))

Godmother:
a mother
of god

who am i to have such a title?
who am i to have such reward?

i don't know why
out of everyone
you chose
me

I do know
that im sure as hell
proud

its an honor

one that shall never be taken for granted
one i may never know how i so earned.

Isaiah
I am your godmother

to be honest
i don't know what that all really means

what i do know is that i love you
you, small every precious
human being

I can't be sure that we'll get along
I can't promise that i'll have the answer to your problems
but i can say that i'll do the very best that I can
to love you
to hear you
to see you

to hold you
to push you

to learn
from you

I may not be what you are looking for
we may be a plethora of things
but know that you hold as much power as i do
in making this connection that of God
a god
whoever and/or whatever you choose to believe
even if that is nothing
know that we can exist together around that as well

we don't have to look
we can just
see

I love you.
i feel you
I've hardly touched you
but know you've already touched me

i may seem consumed
you may sometimes wonder who on earth i think that i am
just know that i'm your godmother
that i'm not sure what that really means
that i'm just as confused as you

we now walk in the mystery

may we seek
may we find refuge
may we grow
together

I am here now and ever will be

it is my only hope
that you find
a mother
of god
in me
<3

i am

here.

Today.

I can't tell you how exactly i got here
I can't tell you where or what here even is
I can't say that it's always delightful 
I can't say in this place i will stay 

What i can say is that its been one hell of a journey, 
that i learn more and more each day, 
I can say that it's been the hardest battle
most definitely my greatest feat. 

I dont know where it is that im going,
right now i just cherish today.

Today the people 
and personal experiences 
i have 
encountered
and
overcome
I bring to light.

My people
my past,
they define me
but they should know my definition changes each day

Today you are a part of me
in case i haven't told you before
and in case i forget tomorrow, 
know that you are there then as well.

For I can't say that today will last 
a lifetime
 but i can say out of today 
a lifetime
has become.

Thank you for today.

Flipping Through the Channels

There was snow on the ground and it was raining, hard. Her car sat in a seemingly empty parking lot under the dim light of the single mangled lamppost. Pulling up next to her, she got out of the car. I was the one who usually got out of mine. She sat down in my passengers seat, looked at me, waiting. Her desperate, sassy eyes said it all, "explain yourself"

"I want to preface this by saying that feelings are different than actions and I never acted, EVER. Ok?"

She nodded. I turned on the car light, took a long heavy breath and read the simple blue script in my hands with calm struggle.

Tears and head grabbing came with her reaction, "I can't believe I'm losing my best friend." Grounded by silence, time passed until she muttered. "I LITERALLY thought that you would be in my life forever"

In the moment it felt like a dream, I glanced down at my letter reminding myself of things I had actually just said. 

"I thought of so many ways to tell you, if to tell you at all."

 "I loved you. Fell for you. I was in love with my best friend, you."

"I can't stay this close to you. It's a lot on my heart. You were my first love and we will never be apart. In my heart, you always lie. A soft spot indebted to you."

"I loved you. You loved me, just different definitions of the two." 

This was no dream. I confessed my love and ended our friendship. I was numb, but sadness, pain, relief and regret managed to surpass. 

Through my foggy heart and cloudy vision, I managed to get a glimpse at her face. Her symmetrical, reeling dimples still present as she sobbed, pulled me back to a reflective state.

Countless hours spent on her family’s black leather reclining couch scanning through the list of shows Joy had recorded on DVR. Shared laughter came of Ellen DeGeneres, our favorite guests Sophia Grace and Rosie. Off pitch, unison song came as we replayed our favorite Glee performances. The rest consisted of what I called ‘trash TV’. I complained my way through Real Housewives of any county, still hear the name Bentley in a southern accent because of Teen Mom and always dreaded Jersday Thursday.

Joy was in control of the remote, not only to the TV, but also to our relationship. Whatever show she felt like watching, we watched. Whatever emotion she was feeling, we felt.

Most of the time though, we were watching Ellen. Because lets face it what’s more contagious than laughter and a smile? I wouldn’t have guessed there was anything more contagious until I saw her dimples. Joy, she had two, the one’s that got me spinning in this reflection. You were smiling before you even knew how she was doing and eased at heart because those dimples just made you melt. But she had the great laugh and perfect smile too. It’s no wonder she always had guys chasing her around, I couldn’t ever keep track. Even with the hilariously dramatic, yet explanatory voicemails I received and still have. You just can’t keep up.

We had our fair share of ‘trash TV’. I put up with, yet enjoyed and made great memories out of, a lot of what we did. There was the night she experimented with vodka soaked gummy worms while I decided to stay sober. We planned to go to her favorite lunch spot the next day. Cornwell’s Turkey farm for a turkey salad sandwich always seemed to hit the spot. Hung-over, we had to stop the car three times on the way there so she could barf.  Who knows how may gummy worms, but I do know we ended up on the couch with grilled cheese at home that day. We no longer spoke of gummy worms and I haven’t since been to Cornwell’s.

One night, however, we watched a show I had never seen before. "I just need my best friend" The words raced through my head as fast as I was letting myself into her resting home at 1 am. Making my way downstairs I found Joy painfully weeping, gasping for air as she muttered words into her cell phone. I grew deaf of everything but the sound of my own rhythm. Stopping outside her door, I listened to my heart sink deeper with the release of her every tear. Clasping her cell phone shut I hit rock bottom, fell out of my beating rhythm and onto hers. Time passed but I just kept strokinb her damp, brunette locks. Sat stroking them away from the shattering sobs of her soft, hazel eyes heavily at loss. 

I had comforted, calmed and lulled her to sleep that night. My best friend who was always spontaneous and quirky I had never seen so weak and vulnerable. Then again I had never seen a girl dumped by the same jackass who cashed in on one's V card just 24 hours before. I had only ever seen such raw pain with death of loved ones. That night I mourned the loss of a sense of purity with her. There was no remote.

In shattering sobs of heartbreak paired heavily with loss of virginity, I was her refuge. She also became mine. The minute she flashed the ad, I bought it. Like always, false advertising. She allowed me protector of her pain, and I became her seeker.

Back to reality after I hit this recollection. She was still sitting next to me. It still wasn’t a dream.

She made a few jokes; “You could’ve at least brought some Kleenex.” It was all bittersweet. The conversations came to a close; she had been changing the channels for so long I had to ask her to turn the TV off,  “Can I hug you?”

The clouds wept with us as I held onto her rhythm for the last time. She turned it off.

Lingering Pressure

expand. push. excrete. 

heal. 

in a state of damage you remain 

seemingly untouched,

now that you heal

you swell

expand. push. excrete.

heal.

i know what you must build

but not the tools you need

am i giving all thats required?

or am i making you job harder?

expand. push. excrete.

heal.

i feel you

on my lower right back side

penetrating through my rib cage

sit, stand, sleep

you accompany me

no matter what

expand. push. excrete.

heal. 

I live for you now

in constant struggle

fighting

listening

crying

we can do it

expand. push. excrete. 

heal. 

we may have lost apart of us

we met be scared

but we are not defeated

expand

push

excrete

heal.