Stop living to fit in and start living to stand out.

I've lost my passion somewhere along my journey. It almost is like i've lost my feelings. But tears are welling up in my eyes and my heart grows heavy. I want someone to want me. I want to want myself. I need to love myself. Who taught me not to love who I am? Who taught me I wasn't deserving of love? No one. That is the thing. It is all an illusion of skewed memories. Trauma in which I let myself believe these things in my core. 

I do not miss home. I miss feeling accepted and loved. The only person I've ever needed to acept and love me is myself. I do not miss home. I am without a home in my heart. I am my own worst enemy. Not my dad. 

I don't have to please anyone but myself. There are certain people i wish who would love me for who I am. I tell myself that they would fix me, that they would help me love myself. All this time I thougt I did love myself. I do love myself. But why do I keep seeking other places for love and approval then? What am I searching for?

You know, I've alwyas been the kid who looks to the nearest adult for praise and/or critique in order to make sure I was doing thinks right. Why have I always had a need to be praised, to be recognized, to be seen? Why can't I see myself? Why have I always defined myself based off of other people's standards? Why cant i just be me? WHY? 

Who the fuck am I? Damn. I'm so so scared of letting myself become all that i'm not. Worse, being content with that. What if no one ever tells me? What if I can't decide who to trust? 

Life is full of decisions and contradictions. We are mistaken majority of the time. Love them. Love every single mistake. Every ounce. They’re beautiful and you’re beautiful. Every ounce. And i am enough. Enough. My words weigh the heaviest because I know you the best. You are beautiful, inside and out. You don’t need anyone to tell you that. You know it and you live it. You are desirable. You are worth loving. You are loved and you will be loved greater than you can ever possibly imagine. But you have to let it in, you have to let EVERYONE in. People cannot fully love someone they do not know. 

Stop living to fit in and start living to stand out. You shine, people need your light and you need theirs! Shine on. Thank you God. This is my prayer. 

<3 Abigail